If I Only Knew
If I only knew how his kiss would affect me, I’m sure that I wouldn’t have let him. This sounds crazy, I’m sure—a kiss as impassioned and haunting should be coveted, not wished away. Unless, of course…but that’s for later. Back to the kiss.
In the quiet of the night, with only the muffled sounds of passersby outside his hotel room, he pulled me into an embrace and stared down at me with the most beautiful green eyes I’d ever seen so close. I didn’t know how to react. I think I laughed and looked away before he guided my head toward his heart. I resisted at first, but then I relented. It was just an embrace.
With this single gesture, he transported me back to grade school when I experienced my very first kiss. Chris Chandler—I’ll never forget. He’d professed his love for me on the first day at my new school in the 7th grade and it culminated at a graduation party in June the following year in someone’s backyard, Kevin McClow’s I think. Autumn Collins tugged at my arm while I was talking to Sunny Becker, one of my best friends. She made a gesture with her head, urging me to follow her, for what, I wasn’t sure, but she was the most popular girl in the class and we were friendly. Sunny nodded, and said, “it’s ok, go” so I did. I followed Autumn past the crowd and to a secluded area where Kevin, K-leen, Dan and Chris were waiting. I had no clue what was going on until Dan and Autumn started kissing. Then Kevin and K-leen started. Suddenly there was just Chris and me staring at them and then back at each other. There was never a more awkward moment in my entire 13 years of life. Sensing my un-ease, he, too, held me in an embrace; I could feel his heart racing.
I’d never kissed a boy, only my father, and not the way I thought Chris wanted to kiss me, so needless to say, I was in a bit of a state. Similar to the one I felt now, standing with my cheek on Claudio’s well-formed chest, lulled by the slow beat of his heart, not sure what was going to happen, what I wanted to happen, and what I was actually feeling other than a mild rush, but yet a certain calmness.
“I…” I started and looked up at him. I shouldn’t have looked into those green eyes directly. I smiled and then turned away. He chuckled low and turned my face toward his with gentle fingers.
“Ahndrayyah, you’re nervous. So cute,” he sang, his Brazilian accent thick. And then it happened. He kissed me. I wish he hadn’t. He lives in New York and only visits occasionally, leaving me with just the memory of that kiss.
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